Sunday, January 21, 2007

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Ten Enviro Commandments

I. Thou Shalt Have No Other Goddess Before Thy Goddess Gaia
II. Thou Shalt Not Utter Heresy Against ManBearPig, If Anyone Speakest Heresy Against ManBearPig, Thou Shalt Shun Him
III. Six Days Shalt Thou Labor For The Democratic Party, But The Seventh Day Shalt Be Thy Day of Rest, And Thou Shalt Honor Thy Goddess Gaia
IV. Dishonor Thy Mother and Thy Father, For In Their Profligacy They Have Dissed Gaia
V. Thou Shalt Recycle, Even If Recycling Is Inefficient and Creates More Pollution Than Creating New Products, And Thou Shalt Be Smug in Thy Recycling
VI. Thou Shalt Buy Thee Hybrids And Thou Shalt Act Really Obnoxious Toward All Those Who Have No Hybrids
VII. Thou Shalt Tithe 40, 50 or 60% of Thine Income to Thy Government, Depending on Thy Bracket.
VIII. Thou Shalt Not Bathe
XI. Thou Shalt Support Gay Marriage, Tax Increases, Abortion, Gun Control, Redistribution of Wealth, Sex Education, No Strings Welfare, For These Art Pleasing to the Democratic Party, I mean, Thy Goddess Gaia
X. Thou Shalt Not Question Thy Democratic Leadership, For They Are Holy In The Sight of Gaia

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Southeast Michigan Barbies

Bloomfield Barbie: This Princess Barbie is only sold at Somerset. She comes with an assortment of Burberry, Kate Spade and Prada handbags (not the knock-offs), a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a giant mostly unoccupied house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Rochester Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie comes with 2.1 kids and is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and can be spotted on cell phone. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Detroit Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, A Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy on rims with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop - then we don't know what you're talking about.

Grosse Pointe Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

Roseville/Madison Heights/Eastpointe/Warren Barbie: This model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a rose on her shoulder. She has big hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

Birmingham Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Percocet and Vicodin prescriptions available.

Ann Arbor Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow".

Downriver Barbie: This chain-smoking, brassy-haired, Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled
sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Club Dance. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up.

Hamtramck Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose, sneakers, and a bad haircut.