Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Separated at Birth

Sleazy Idaho Senator Larry Craig and South Park's "Mr. Garrison."


Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Friday, August 17, 2007

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Friday, August 03, 2007

Carnation

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $2,000 for the best slogan.

The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all....

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house...a man got out and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $2000, even though we will not be able to use it..."

Here is her entry:



Divine Miss M

Perjury Trap (HT: The Man)

Friday, July 27, 2007

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Is it just me?

Or do most of these letters in the Indian Alphabet look like sexual positions:

Friday, July 20, 2007

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Monday, July 02, 2007

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Wanna Feel Old

The baby on the cover of Nevermind...


Looks like this now...

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Relationship Advice for men

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better."
This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If
she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then
when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other
girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.
When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she
starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and
whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those
special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold…and not by giving her your jacket,
because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say
"if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be
bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all
night.

13. Make her laugh. A good way to do this is if she has a small pet.
Kick the pet. Guys always find stuff like that funny…why shouldn't girls?

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes
home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give
her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings
or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This
way, she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt
and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on
it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about).

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could be better."
This will keep her on her toes, and girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand. This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness.
If she grabs your hand, squeeze hers really hard until she cries (this
will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are).

3. Once a month, sneak up on her from behind and knock her over. Girls
are like dogs; they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping. If
she is, say "you better be." Repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning. This will
show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be
her fault. This will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and
every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things, as they usually mean the most. Then
when she's sleeping, steal all her small things and break them, because
jewelry is for wussies and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl, make sure she's looking. When
she is, stare into her eyes, mouth the words "**** you" and grab the other
girl's ass. Girls love competition.

8. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she
thinks it's going to be really special. Then take her to a burning tire yard.
When she starts to get upset, tell her you were just kidding and now you're
really going to take her to dinner. Then drive her home. When she
starts crying and asks why you would do something like that, lean over and
whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can."

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those
special nicknames.

10. Play with her hair. Play with it HARD.

11. Warm her up when she's cold…and not by giving her your jacket,
because then you might get cold. Rather, look her in the eye and say
"if you don't stop bitching about the cold right now, you're going to be
bitching about a black eye." The best way to get warm is with fear.

12. Take her to a party. When you get there, she'll have to go to the
bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the
party is dying and yell at her the whole way home for ditching you all
night.

13. If you're listening to music, and she asks to hear it, tell her
no. This way she'll think you're mysterious.

14. Let her fall asleep in your arms. When she's fast asleep, wait 10
minutes, then jump up and scream in her ear. Repeat until she goes
home and you can use your arms for more important things (like basketball).

15. Spit often. I hear girls like guys that spit.

16. If you care about her, never ever tell her. This will only give
her self-confidence, then you can never turn her into the object she deep
down desires to be.

17. Every time you're in her house, steal one of her shoes, earrings
or anything else that comes in pairs. Only take one of the pair. This
way, she'll go crazy.

18. Take her out to dinner. Right when she's about to order, interrupt
and say "no, she's not hungry." Make her watch you eat. Girls love a guy
that speaks for her.

19. Look her in the eyes and smile. Then punch her in the face. Girls
love a spontaneous guy.

20. Give her one of your t-shirts, and make sure it has your smell on
it (but not a sexy cologne smell…a bad smell. You know what I'm talking
about).

Monday, April 02, 2007

Iraq War to End By Easter



The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the USRSF (United States Redneck Special Forces). Boys from Alabama, Tennessee and South Carolina will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given the following information about terrorists:

1.) The season is open today.

2.) There is no limit.

3.) They taste just like chicken.

4.) They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.

5.) They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by this weekend.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Iggy Pop, Miserable Bastard

**Iggy Pop** says it’s not as easy to feel good as it once was. “To feel
good when I was 21, all I had to do was to smoke a joint,” the
59-year-old rock dinosaur tells the March issue of Spin. “Now I have to
turn off my phones, do tai chi for an hour, drink a strong cup of
coffee, and stay away from bad people, so I can feel good for an hour or
two — knowing when it ends, I’m gonna feel like the miserable 59-year
old prick that I actually am.”
What a FUPOS. All I need to be happy is to sit on my back deck and
watch the sun go down, or play a few rounds of Halo with my son and his
friends, or play with one of the cats for a few minutes, or watch some
sports on cable. Cheese Louise. What is wrong with people that they

make things so complicated?
Hat Tip: Divine Miss M.
Source: Wants you to register. Don't Bother, this is the full quote.

Iggy Pop, Miserable Bastard

**Iggy Pop** says it’s not as easy to feel good as it once was. “To feel
good when I was 21, all I had to do was to smoke a joint,” the
59-year-old rock dinosaur tells the March issue of Spin. “Now I have to
turn off my phones, do tai chi for an hour, drink a strong cup of
coffee, and stay away from bad people, so I can feel good for an hour or
two — knowing when it ends, I’m gonna feel like the miserable 59-year
old prick that I actually am.”

Hat Tip: Divine Miss M.
Source: Wants you to register. Don't Bother, this is the full quote.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Welcome to the Republican Party

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."



Hat Tip: Nanc @ Moonbattery

Welcome to the Republican Party

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and was very much in favor of the redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school. Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO.

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST
Subject: Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.
If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
Try it out.

SECOND
Subject: Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday.

Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end.

Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.
Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote"for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"

THIRD
Subject: Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery.

This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.

FOURTH
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.

They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.

You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.

If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
And Finally....

FIFTH
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.

This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.

THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO.

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST
Subject: Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.
If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.
Try it out.

SECOND
Subject: Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday.

Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end.

Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you.
Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote"

for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!"

THIRD
Subject: Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery.

This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time.

FOURTH
How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.

They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.

You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either.

If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
And Finally....

FIFTH
Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.

This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on to your family and friends.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Pack of Wild Dogs Kill Florida Alligator


At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a
certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally
considered the apex predator in its natural eco-system, can still fall
victim to implemented team work strategy, made possible by the tight knit
social structure and survival of the fittest pack mentality bred into
canines over the last thousands of years by natural selection.

See the remarkable photograph attached, courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from
breathing, while the remainder of the pack prevents the beast from
rolling.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Ten Enviro Commandments

I. Thou Shalt Have No Other Goddess Before Thy Goddess Gaia
II. Thou Shalt Not Utter Heresy Against ManBearPig, If Anyone Speakest Heresy Against ManBearPig, Thou Shalt Shun Him
III. Six Days Shalt Thou Labor For The Democratic Party, But The Seventh Day Shalt Be Thy Day of Rest, And Thou Shalt Honor Thy Goddess Gaia
IV. Dishonor Thy Mother and Thy Father, For In Their Profligacy They Have Dissed Gaia
V. Thou Shalt Recycle, Even If Recycling Is Inefficient and Creates More Pollution Than Creating New Products, And Thou Shalt Be Smug in Thy Recycling
VI. Thou Shalt Buy Thee Hybrids And Thou Shalt Act Really Obnoxious Toward All Those Who Have No Hybrids
VII. Thou Shalt Tithe 40, 50 or 60% of Thine Income to Thy Government, Depending on Thy Bracket.
VIII. Thou Shalt Not Bathe
XI. Thou Shalt Support Gay Marriage, Tax Increases, Abortion, Gun Control, Redistribution of Wealth, Sex Education, No Strings Welfare, For These Art Pleasing to the Democratic Party, I mean, Thy Goddess Gaia
X. Thou Shalt Not Question Thy Democratic Leadership, For They Are Holy In The Sight of Gaia

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Southeast Michigan Barbies

Bloomfield Barbie: This Princess Barbie is only sold at Somerset. She comes with an assortment of Burberry, Kate Spade and Prada handbags (not the knock-offs), a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a giant mostly unoccupied house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.

Rochester Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie comes with 2.1 kids and is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and can be spotted on cell phone. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Detroit Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, A Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy on rims with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop - then we don't know what you're talking about.

Grosse Pointe Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.

Roseville/Madison Heights/Eastpointe/Warren Barbie: This model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,a NASCAR shirt and has a tattoo of a rose on her shoulder. She has big hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its Confederate flag bumper stickers absolutely free.

Birmingham Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard-print ski outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the club. Percocet and Vicodin prescriptions available.

Ann Arbor Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow".

Downriver Barbie: This chain-smoking, brassy-haired, Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled
sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend out of Club Dance. Her make-up is dark red lip liner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up.

Hamtramck Barbie: This Barbie is the same model of Barbie that was released in 1982. She comes with shoulder pads, dark polyester skirt, white pantyhose, sneakers, and a bad haircut.